


Love Among The Chevrons

by Cowardly Lion (Catsmeow)



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: F/M, Humor, M/M, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-07
Updated: 2017-11-07
Packaged: 2019-01-30 12:42:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12653733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Catsmeow/pseuds/Cowardly%20Lion
Summary: Rejected Scripts for Season 11 of SG-1 -  After a decade on the air, the ol' Well of Creativity goes a little dry sometimes.  Maybe this is why we didn't get a Season 11 after all.





	Love Among The Chevrons

**Author's Note:**

> Written January 2007. Set in Season 10, so anything prior is fair game. NONE of the pairings are overt.

LOVE AMONG THE CHEVRONS 

[INTERIOR AT THE SGC]

[FADE IN on Lam, Carter, Landry, Daniel, Vala, Teal’c, Mitchell and O'Neill in the briefing room gathered around the table.]

Lam: We've discovered the reason that Lt. Colonel Carter has been having mood swings and has had an increase in appetite.

Teal’c *looks with disdain at Carter stuffing two donuts at once into her mouth*: A tapeworm, perhaps? 

Lam: While a tapeworm would explain the appetite, it wouldn’t explain the, ah, perceptible weight gain. 

Mitchell: Perceptible? Doc, in the last week she’s swelled up like a tick about to pop. 

Sam *guzzles a pitcher of root beer floats and burps like a humpbacked whale drenching a boatful of eco-tourists then announces*: I'm pregnant with the love child of General O'Neill. 

Jack *surprised and appalled*: Hey! Whoa, there! Whadda ya mean, you’re pregnant and it’s mine?

Sam: Sir, it’s okay. You don’t have to deny our love anymore. 

Jack *confused*: What love? What the hell are you talking about Carter? 

Sam *shoving Cheetos down her throat as fast as her hand can move*: The undying love of two cherished soul mates entwined for eternity that we declared to Anise for the Zatarc detector. 

Jack: Soul mates? I never said anything like that. I said I cared about you more than I should. That’s all I said because that’s all there was and frankly that was a few years ago before you got all *he gestures vaguely toward her*…weird. 

Sam *waves one Cheeto-colored hand around*: What about our fleeting moment of perfect precious passion *orange flecks spew out with every ‘p’* on PX4-32R?

Jack *blushes and coughs into his hand*: Oh. That. 

Landry: Jack? You want to explain that? 

Jack *shifts uncomfortably*: Well, a few years ago, when I was in charge of SG-1 and Carter was a Major, we were on a mission. At one point, we were running from the bad guys and somehow I tripped and fell, um, “into” Carter.

Landry *raises both eyebrows*: Into? How the hell do you fall INTO your second in command?

Jack *frowns thoughtfully*: Actually, Hank, now that I think about it, I’m not really sure. For some reason that part of the mission is a little hazy when I try to remember it. 

Daniel *puzzled*: Wait a minute. There weren’t any bad guys there - The planet was uninhabited. 

Teal’c *thinking*: Was that not the planet with the meptor kel’to pim? 

Mitchell and Jack: The mepto who to what?

Daniel: Meptor kel’to pim, um, it translates as ‘dream time bushes’. They had yellow flowers and purple berries. I remember Teal’c cautioning us against those. 

Teal’c *inclines his head*: That is correct Daniel Jackson. The berries of these bushes are extremely potent. Just the touch of the juice of one or two berries crushed against bare skin will induce a hypnotic state during which the victim is highly suggestible. I observed these plants in the undergrowth as we set up camp for the evening. 

Jack: Wait a minute, I never heard about these berries. Why didn’t you tell me?

Teal’c: You had had left camp moments before to see a man about a horse, which I found most peculiar as there did not seem to be any equine life forms indigenous to the planet. I informed Major Carter of the plant’s effects and asked that she notify you immediately. 

Jack: Carter never said anything. 

Teal’c: She must have O’Neill. She donned a pair of latex gloves, selected a handful of the berries and followed directly behind you.

Daniel: I remember that mission. You were gone an awfully long time. When you came back to camp you were all disheveled with little purple blotches everywhere. You kept muttering about escaping from the enemy. 

[Everyone turns to frown at Sam who tries to look innocent but only looks smug which is difficult considering the orange Cheeto debris smeared around her mouth.] 

Vala murmurs to Daniel: And you thought I was devious! 

Lam *looks thoughtful*: Anyway, that was years ago. That wouldn’t explain a pregnancy now.

Sam *blurts out*: Delayed implantation!

Lam *frowns*: Humans don’t have delayed implantation. Other mammals, yes. But not humans. 

Sam: The gate did it! The gate caused the delay, just like it caused Daniel’s schizophrenia. 

Vala: That sounds bad. It’s not contagious, is it? 

[Vala shifts slightly away from Daniel]

Daniel: No it’s not 

[Vala shifts back toward him] 

Daniel *raises finger*: Uh, Sam, in point of fact, I was never schizophrenic. 

Sam *stamps her foot, which hasn’t got the same impact when sitting down*: Oh, whatever! Who cares, anyway? I still say this is a symbol of the beautiful love the General and I share! *she stands up, clutching her stomach* Uh oh. I don’t feel so good. 

Mitchell: Step back, I think she’s going to blow. 

[Everyone moves away from Sam.]

[Sam groans as gurgling and rumbling is heard. Her belly flattens as she lets rip a giant fart. A cloud gathers behind her.]

Mitchell: Ewww, gross. You can actually SEE it. 

Jack * nods*: Oh yeah. That’s the symbol of our love all right. VERY appropriate. 

Teal’c: It has a most impressive hang time, does it not?

Landry *scowls at Lam*: Didn’t you at least give her a pregnancy test? 

Lam *flustered*: Well, I…was busy, and she’s done alien autopsies, so…I…let her do her own tests. She said she did both the urine AND blood tests and that they came out positive. 

Landry: She’s an astrophysicist. Why the hell would you let her do medical tests of ANY kind? 

The cloud swirls slowly and begins to coalesce, taking on the form of…..

Daniel *surprised*: Anubis!

Jack *turns to Daniel*: I thought we killed him back in Season 8?

Anubis-Cloud *sneers*: You cannot defeat me! 

Mitchell: Right – Anubis was trapped in the SGC and you guys tricked him into hitching a ride on that Russian guy straight to Planet Deep Freeze. That was a great file. 

Teal’c: That was near the beginning of the season. It was not until many episodes later that the power of Anubis was nullified. 

Anubis-cloud *a bit louder*: I shall destroy you and everything you know! 

Daniel: And technically, he’s not dead, just locked in eternal combat with Oma Desala at the Waffle House. 

Jack *fanning the air*: Not so eternal if he’s here now, stinkin’ up the place. Geez, Carter!

Anubis-cloud *louder still*: You shall all bow in servitude before me! 

Mitchell: Wait a second. If he was all frozen on that planet, then how’d he end up grapplin’ with ol’ Oma D. in the first place? 

Daniel *shakes head & whispers*: If you’re looking for continuity, better watch a different show. 

Anubis-cloud *shouts*: HEY! *everyone turns to look at him* Bad guy looming ominously here. Do you mind cutting the chit chat? Sheesh! *sounds aggravated* What’s a villain got to do to get a little attention around here? 

Jack: Well you could try having a face.

Mitchell *looks Anubis-cloud over*: Yeah, hard to be intimidated by oily rags. I’ve had scarier piles of laundry. 

Teal’c: Word. *Everyone turns to look at Teal’c* Have I used this word inappropriately or out of context? 

Daniel: Um, no, no. It’s fine. 

[There is a pause before they all turn back to Anubis.]

Landry: So, Anubis, how is it that you’re able to visit us? It was my understanding that you were otherwise engaged. 

Anubis-cloud: The original Anubis is still locked in battle with that interfering Oma. However, part of my essence stowed away on Colonel Carter when I possessed her back in Season 8. Since then I’ve been growing in strength and biding my time for the right moment to reappear. 

Vala: And THIS is the right time to reappear? When the Ori threaten the galaxy? 

Anubis-cloud: Well, no, but I had to get out of there. That woman’s a few Jaffa short of being a System Lord, if you know what I mean. 

Jack, Mitchell, Landry, and Daniel: Oh, I hear you. 

Teal’c: I understand your meaning with perfect clarity. 

[Vala pulls a big black hairdryer from her pocket.]

Mitchell: How the hell did you get that in there? 

Daniel *aside to Mitchell*: Just go with it *turns to Vala* Isn’t that the hair dryer you brought on the Quest for the Sangreal?. 

Vala: Yes – only it’s not a hairdryer, as I would have told you at the time had you bothered to ask.

Daniel: There wasn’t time to ask. 

Vala: Well, you didn’t even try did you? You just snatched it out of my hands without so much as a “by your leave”. 

Daniel: Vala - *tries to interrupt but she just keeps talking*. 

Vala *continues*: You know, you’re always doing that, snatching things right out of my hands. It’s rather rude. You really should work on your people skills. 

Daniel *raises his voice a little tiny bit*: Vala! 

Vala *looks hurt*: No need to shout, Daniel. I’m right here. 

Jack: Yes, we’ve noticed. Once you get going you’re kind of hard to miss. Now, what’s with the gadget?

Vala: Oh, this? *she holds it up for all to see* It’s an anti-Ori gun. 

[Exclamations all around]

Mitchell *looks closely at it*: Wait a minute. It says “Property of Wardrobe & Makeup Department *points* right there. 

Jack *whispers to Mitchell*: Just GO with it. There’s not always enough money left in the budget for fancy props. 

Mitchell *hisses back*: Why? They spend too much on guest stars? 

[Jack glares at Mitchell]

Vala *whispers to both*: Besides, if SHE *nods at Carter who is sprawled in a chair, covered in pastry crumbs and eyeing the last donut* can run an Ori mothership using a Taur’i laptop, then I can use a hairdryer to destroy Anubis. 

Landry: You couldn’t have mentioned this before? 

[Vala opens her mouth to speak, but Daniel puts his hand up to stop her]

Daniel: Don’t. *he sighs* Okay, just to clarify – you have a working anti-Ori gun? 

Vala: TECHnically, it should affect ANY ascended being, not just the Ori. As for whether it works or not, it’s only half finished so no, at the moment, it won’t work against the Ori.

Jack: Then why bring it out now? Anubis is just a gassy cloud so you can’t even hit him with it. 

Vala: Well, I figured that a weapon which is only half finished ought to work on an enemy that’s only half ascended. 

[She points the hairdryer, er ‘weapon’ at Anubis, cord dangling]

Mitchell: Shouldn’t you plug that in? 

Vala: Oh, it doesn’t work off of electricity. That’s a collapsible discharge vane. 

Sam *sits up to stare wide-eyed at O’Neill*: Sir, that’s a dangerous experimental weapon. We can’t let her do that! 

Vala *ignores Sam, continues talking*: The weapon focuses on subatomic fluctuations in the muon particle field and exerts a compulsory negative force on that field, thereby propelling it into a retrograde trajectory. 

Sam *vehemently*: That will never work.

Everyone else: It does what, now?

Vala: It vacuums them up. 

Everyone else: Oh, thanks.

Sam *all earnest sincerity and big doe eyes aimed at General O’Neill*: If she turns that thing on she’ll destroy us all. She might even tear a hole in the fabric of the universe. 

Vala *dismissively*: Don’t be silly. I’ve turned it on dozens of times. 

Landry *raises eyebrows*: You’ve already used it on ascended beings? 

Vala: Oh, no. I just wanted to see what would happen. 

Anubis-cloud: Ummmm…can we talk about this? 

Everyone else: No. 

Sam *grumbles*: I still say it won’t work

Vala *smiles sweetly at Carter*: That’s because you’re an astrophysicist, not an engineer. 

[Vala flips the switch on the machine. A low humming sound is heard. The center of the Anubis-cloud is sucked into the machine first and it quickly begins shrinking.] 

Anubis-cloud *whining*: I'm melting! Melting! Oh -- what a world -- what a world! Who would have thought a good little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness!?

[The voice begins the fade as more of the cloud disappears into the weapon]

Jack *ticked*: HEY! You stole that from the Wizard of Oz!

[The last words of Anubis trail faintly out of the weapon] 

Anubis-cloud *cranky*: It’s…an…homage, dammit…

[with a *pop* the last of the cloud disappears into the weapon]

Daniel *to Vala*: You got the idea from watching Ghostbusters with Teal’c, didn’t you? 

Teal’c *smiles smugly as he quotes*: “If the light is green, the trap is clean.” 

[There is a pause as everyone looks at each other, not sure what to do next.]

Landry *shrugs*: Well, I guess that ends this meeting. Dismissed everyone. 

Jack *rubs hands in glee*: Excellent. I’m SO outta here. Daniel, you’re with me. 

Daniel *surprised*: Me? I’ve got work to do, Jack, I can’t just pick up and go. I’ve got translations to finish for SGs 4 and 12, two briefings to prepare, three debriefings to attend *Jack puts his hand on the small of Daniel’s back and pushes, guiding him out of the room. They are quickly out of sight, but Daniel’s protests can still be heard getting softer the farther away they get* ooooh, get my tires washed, have my socks rotated, and – Jack, should you have your hand there while we’re still on the base? It’s um, kind of, ooooh, distracting *and the sound fades out*

Teal’c: I shall be in my quarters and do not wish to be disturbed as there is a new episode of Gilmore Girls scheduled to air shortly. 

Vala *perks up*: I love that show. Those Gilmore girls are delightfully spunky. Plus, Rory is quite the cutie. 

Teal’c: It is as you say. However, I believe Lorelei Gilmore to be the more bodacious of the two. 

Vala *flips her hair disdainfully*: She’s certainly pretty - such lovely dark hair- but how a grown woman can act so selfish and juvenile is beyond me. *she pats Teal’c on the bicep which he automatically flexes for her* May I join you? 

[Teal’c nods majestically then saunters off down the stairwell as Vala follows] 

Mitchell: Um, what about Colonel Carter? 

[Landry, Lam, and Mitchell look at Carter who has shoved the last donut into her mouth. She looks up and sees them staring at her. ]

Carter: Wha’? *donut crumbs scatter across the briefing table* 

Landry *sighs*: Better get her wormed. 

Lam *nods*: I’ll call the vet. 

Mitchell *mutters*: I swear there was nothing like this in ANY of those files I read. 

[FADE OUT]


End file.
